Five clever responses to get you out of trouble with your partner:
1. "Well, excuse me if I'm not gay!"
To be said when you get caught eyeballing some babe in the street.
Do you realize what an ultimate test of self-control and restraint it is for me when I'm walking down the street in Taoyuan? I'm like a kid in a bakery. Or even just me in a bakery.
(Taoyuan means peach garden. Aw, so pretty. Needless to say there are no peaches and no gardens anywhere near the place. What’s the Chinese for dehumanising concrete jungle?)
2. "Well, excuse me if I have an upset stomach!"
To be said when you let one rip in bed, in the car or any other confined space.
3. "Well, excuse me if I don't want to have a heart attack!"
To be said when your partner complained that you spend all of your spare time doing fuck all.
4. "Well, excuse me if I think your cooking is amazing!"
To be said when your partner remarked that you're putting on weight.
5. "Well, excuse me if I find you attractive!"
To be said when your partner got mad because you tried to stick it to her in some ungodly place. (It can also be used if it was all over a bit too quickly.)
PS: I should confess that some of these responses actually got me into deeper trouble, but perhaps you'll have better luck than me.
