Acting
I only have two acting styles: with and without a horse.
Robert Mitchum American actor (1917-1997)
(That's still one acting style more than Keanu Reeves.)
Afterlife
We do not know what to do with this short life, yet we yearn for another that will be eternal.
Anatole France French author (1844-1924)
Age
When I was young, people used to say to me "Wait until you're 50, you'll see." I am 50. I haven't seen anything.
Eric Satie French composer and pianist (1866-1925)
Algebra
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz American journalist (1950-)
Astrology
Astrology is a disease, not a science.
Moses Maimonides Spanish Jewish philosopher (1135-1204)
Atheism
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
Luis Buñuel Spanish filmmaker (1900-1983)
Bible
The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.
A N Whitehead English mathematician and philosopher (1861-1947)
Birds
If only I were a bird! Ah, but eating caterpillars?
Palestinian proverb
Books
Never lend books. No one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books other people have lent me.
Anatole France French author (1844-1924)
Books (2)
Find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance
Confucius Chinese philosopher (551 BC-479 BC)
California
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
Ross MacDonald Canadian author (1915-1983)
Canada
The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off its own testicles or to stand under its own falling tree.
June Callwood Canadian journalist (1924-2007)
Cars
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
George Carlin American stand-up comedian (1937-2008)
Cats
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
Garrison Keillor American broadcaster (1942-)
Cheese
How can one govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
Charles De Gaulle French general and president (1890-1970)
Children
To children, childhood holds no particular advantage.
Kathleen Norris American author (1880-1960)
Children (2)
A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx American actor and comedian (1890-1977)
Coffee
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
Samuel Goldwyn American film producer (1879-1974)
Comedian
There is not one female comedian who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers American comedian (1933-)
Communism
The best way to make communists is to put Americans into a place where there were no communists before.
Norodom Sihanouk King of Cambodia (1922-)
Composers
I have played the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!
Pyotr Tchaikovsky Russian composer (1840-1893)
Dancing
All the ills of mankind, all the tragic misfortunes that fill the history books, all the political blunders, all the failures of the great leaders have arisen merely from a lack of skill at dancing.
Molière French playwright (1622-1673)
Dogs
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner American comedian (1953-)
Drunk
What is said when drunk has been thought out beforehand.
Flemish proverb
Economics
All the great economic ills the world has known this century can be directly traced back to the London School of Economics.
N M Perera Sri Lankan politician (1905-1979)
Excuses
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Kimberly Johnson American poet (1971-)
Fame
It's like having Alzheimer disease. You don't know anybody but they all know you.
Tony Curtis American actor (1925-2010)
Family
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld American comedian (1954-)
Fear
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin D. Roosevelt US President (1882-1945)
Fishing
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Steven Wright American comedian (1955-)
Food
Nobody really likes capers, no matter what you do with them. Some people pretend to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it, tastes even better with capers not in it.
Nora Ephron American writer and filmmaker (1941-2012)
Food (2)
He was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster.
King James I King of England (1566-1625)
Forgetfulness
There are three things I always forget: names, faces, and the third I can't remember.
Italo Svevo Italian author (1861-1928)
Genius
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann American football player (1949-)
God
If God lived on Earth, people would break his windows.
Jewish proverb
God (2)
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens "Why, God? Why me?", and the thundering voice of God answered "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Stephen King American writer (1947-)
Gossip
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth American socialite and daughter of Teddy Roosevelt (1884-1980)
Heaven
Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his Heaven.
Mark Twain American author (1835-1910)
Hell
I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No", said the priest, "not if you did not know". "Then why", asked the Eskimo, "did you tell me?"
Annie Dillard American author (1945-)
Hollywood
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
Fred Allen American comedian (1894-1956)
Investments
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice.
Norman R Augustine American businessman (1935-)
Knowledge
To know that you do not know is the best. To pretend to know when you do not know is disease.
Lao Zi Chinese philosopher (6th century BC)
Knowledge (2)
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Woody Allen American film director (1935-)
Law
Under the English legal system, you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish.
Ted Whitehead English advertising agent (1908-1978)
Life
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
Lewis Grizzard American writer (1946-1994)
Life (2)
We are born, we eat sweet potatoes, then we die.
Easter Island proverb
Life (3)
There never was an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is drama, comedy and tragedy.
Mark Twain American author (1835-1910)
Life (4)
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx American actor and comedian (1890-1977)
(I want this one on my tombstone.)
Listening
When people talk, listen and listen completely. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway American writer (1899-1961)
Listening (2)
Lenin could listen so intently that he exhausted the speaker.
Isiah Berlin Latvian-born British philosopher (1909-1997)
Living
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck American humorist (1927-1966)
Living (2)
I have come to an unalterable decision - to go and live forever in Polynesia. Then I can end my days in peace and freedom, without thoughts of tomorrow and this eternal struggle against idiots.
Paul Gauguin French painter (1848-1903)
Manchester
I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
Mark Twain American author (1835-1910)
Marriage
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard American writer (1946-1994)
Memory
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
E Joseph Cossman American businessman (1918-2002)
Mothers
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson American actor (1937-)
Mothers (2)
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin American journalist (1935-)
Mushrooms
I confess that nothing frightens me more than the appearance of mushrooms on the table, especially in a small provincial town.
Alexandre Dumas French author (1802-1870)
(So it's not just me, then. I don't care what anyone says, I still maintain that nature did not intend for us to eat mushrooms.)
Music
Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind.
Gioachino Rossini Italian composer (1792-1868)
Music (2)
One cannot judge Wagner’s work after just one hearing, and I certainly don’t intend to hear it a second time.
Gioachino Rossini Italian composer (1792-1868)
Music (3)
Harpists spend 90 percent of their time tuning their harps and 10 percent playing out of tune.
Igor Stravinsky Russian composer (1882-1971)
Politics
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hairs.
George Burns American comedian (1896-1996)
Prayer
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Phillips American comedian (1956-)
Reading
If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese proverb
Saints
The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people.
Benito Mussolini Italian dictator (1883-1945)
Sea
There is nothing so desperately monotonous as the sea, and I no longer wonder at the cruelty of pirates.
James Russell Lowell American poet (1819-1891)
Sex
Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor Hungarian-born American actress and socialite (1917-2016)
Sex (2)
You know that look women give you when they want to have sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin American comedian (1945-)
Sex (3)
Sex between a man and a woman can be a beautiful thing, provided you're between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen American film director (1935-)
Sheep
To say a sheep has five legs doesn't make it so.
Abraham Lincoln American president (1809-1865)
Sheep (2)
They're cloning sheep. Great. Just what we need. Sheep that look more alike than they already do.
Dave Barry American author (1947-)
Shoes
I did not have 3000 pairs of shoes. I had 1060.
Imelda Marcos Filipino First Lady (1929-)
Smoking
If smoking is not allowed in Heaven, I shall not go.
Mark Twain American author (1835-1910)
Sorrow
You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair.
Chinese proverb
Stupidity
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Benjamin Franklin American statesman and inventor (1706-1790)
Sweat
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin American stand-up comedian (1937-2008)
Tea
Tea is not like vodka, which you can drink a lot of.
Russian saying
Technology
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
Alice Kahn American humorist (1943-)
Thinking
People do not like to think. If one think, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant.
Helen Keller American author and activist (1880-1968)
Trees
The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second best time is now.
Chinese proverb
Trees (2)
Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.
Ronald Reagan American president (1911-2004)
(This is a man they're naming airports after.)
Understanding
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.
G W F Hegel German philosopher (1770-1831)
Vegetables
A cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out as good for nothing.
Samuel Johnson English poet (1709-1784)
Vegetarianism
Caesar's armies marched on vegetarian foods.
Will Durant American historian (1885-1991)
Wisdom
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson American humorist (1911-1980)
Words
The three most beautiful words in the English language: it is benign.
Woody Allen American film director (1935-)
Writing
Two people writing a novel is like three people having a baby.
Evelyn Waugh English novelist (1903-1966)
Youth
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball American comedian (1911-1989)
