If a group of aliens landed on Earth, they might find some aspects of our culture baffling. I thought I’d help them out by trying to explain and define some of the trickiest concepts.
Prophet
1. A clever fella who understood that exploiting people’s fears and gullibility is better than getting a real job.
2. Someone who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia (commonly known as “hearing voices in your head”) but is not aware of it.
God
People’s imaginary friend. Believed to be all-loving and all-powerful, and yet often displaying the behaviour of someone who doesn’t give a shit.
Old Testament
An ancient collection of fairy tales interspersed with a few health tips and some guidelines for a conservative, patriarchal society.
New Testament
The story of a Jewish zombie with superpowers.
Praying
The act of asking God for favours, favours that he will sometimes grant and sometimes won’t, just as would be the case if you didn’t ask at all or if God wasn’t there to begin with.
Miracles
Incredible events where the laws of physics and nature are temporarily suspended, events that were coming thick and fast thousands of years ago, but that seem to have stopped now that we can properly investigate these events with modern technology.
Heaven
The place some people will end up after death as a reward for good behaviour, even though, when described, it sounds more like a punishment than a reward.
Blasphemy
A victimless crime, where you’ve allegedly hurt the feelings of a being who’s omnipotent and yet quite touchy.
Intelligent design
A theory supported by non-intelligent people, where God has personally designed and created pretty much everything except the microorganisms that cause the plague, leprosy, syphilis, typhus, cholera, tuberculosis, encephalitis, malaria, smallpox, polio and many others. Those just happened.
Catholic Church
An organization that claims to be a friend of the poor but is actually a friend of poverty, on which it thrives. It’s made up mostly by people called “priests”, sexually repressed men that get to spend time with other people’s children, alone.
Pope
The head of the Catholic Church. He’s infallible (cannot be wrong) and that must be true because he said so himself and, as I said, he’s infallible.
