One of my favourite passages from the Bible, an absolute pearl of wisdom, is the following (which was always overlooked during catechism, somehow):
"If two men are fighting, and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity." (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
In other words, let's say you and another bloke are fighting, and your wife joins the fight (an ordinary Tuesday afternoon in parts of Cambridge . If she grabs the other man's genitals (which is a very effective move, to be honest), then you have to cut off her hand afterwards, even though the poor woman was just trying to help you out. (That'll teach her.)
Ungratefulness aside, that passage is also oddly specific, when you think about it. Is that something that used to happen a lot in biblical times? How often did that particular incident occur in ancient Israel that the good Lord felt the need to legislate on it? If the whole point was simply to discourage women from touching other men's genitals, under any circumstances, then the Bible could've just said that, thus covering all possible scenarios. But that is not the case. So let's consider a different scenario.
You come home early from work one day, and you find that your wife is giving the next-door neighbour a quick handjob on the sofa (which could well happen, I suppose). Given that the Bible is silent on the subject, and given the long-established jurisprudential principle qui tacet consentire videtur (he who is silent is understood to consent), the only logical conclusion we can draw is that the Almighty has no problem with that. Which is very open-minded of Him, I must say. If God is cool with that, I'm cool with that too.
However (and this is important), if later on an altercation breaks out between you and the other man, for whatever reason, then it's absolutely crucial that the woman removes her hand form the neighbor's penis as soon as the altercation begins, in order to avoid amputation. If she continues to wank the neighbour after you started fighting (and to be fair, we've always been told that you should always finish what you started), then and only then she should be considered culpable. It's all about timing.
M.
PS: In Chinese kung-fu manuals, the move where you grab and squeeze another man's testicles is called "the monkey steals the peach". True story. (I love how the Chinese make everything sound better.)
