Is the thought of the afterlife giving you sleepless nights? If so, here’s a quick test that will help you figure out whether you’re destined for eternal bliss or eternal damnation.
The numbers in brackets at the end of each answer are the points. Work out your total and see where you’re going. Good luck!
1. Regarding the very concept of Heaven you think that:
a) You’re definitely going there because, even if you’re petty and selfish, you believe in God and ultimately belief is more important than moral behaviour. (2)
b) You hope you’re going there because you’ve tried to live a good and honest life. (1)
c) You know you’re not going there because there’s no such thing and if there was it sounds really boring. (0)
2. You regard things like the Crusades, the Inquisition and anti-Semitism as:
a) A good start to be resumed as soon as possible. (2)
b) A well-intentioned misinterpretation of the word of God. (1)
c) Yet another reminder of how divisive and poisonous religion can be. (0)
3. When it comes to homosexuality you think that:
a) It's an utter abomination that threatens the very foundations of civilisation. (2)
b) It's something God disapproves of but that we should tolerate. (1)
c) There's nothing wrong with it. (0)
4. You think that dinosaurs fossils are evidence that:
a) The Earth is only a few thousand years old and God put those fossils there to test our faith. (2)
b) The biblical accounts of creation are metaphorical. (1)
c) The biblical accounts of creation are bullshit. (0)
5. You regard biblical accounts of miracles as:
a) Evidence of the awesome power of the Almighty God. (2)
b) Tales that may have been exaggerated and to be taken with a pinch of salt. (1)
c) Yet another reminder of how gullible people can be. (0)
6. You see the blatant contradictions within the Bible as:
a) Nonsense because there are no contradictions in the Bible because it’s the best book ever written on any subject and without it we would just steal, rape and kill each other all day every day. (2)
b) Evidence that the Bible is very complex and we need the help of priests and ministers to properly interpret it so that we can iron out what seem to us as contradictions only because we haven’t properly understood it. (1)
c) Evidence that the Bible is not the word of God. (0)
7. Every day, thousands of good, innocent people die tragically before their time because:
a) God calls to Himself the people He loves the most. (2)
b) God works in mysterious ways. (1)
c) There's no God, and if there is He’s either evil or callous. (0)
8. You’ve wasted semen by using contraception, or by pleasuring yourself, or by ejaculating into orifices not intended for reproduction. You think that:
a) You’ve committed genocide because every single sperm cell is a human life. (2)
b) You feel bad about it but you’ll confess it to the priest and everything will be ok. (1)
c) It’s nobody’s business what you do with your semen. (0)
9. For you the Devil is:
a) An actual, physical presence, horns and all. (2)
b) A metaphor for evil. (1)
c) The Pope. (0)
10. You see Darwin’s theory of evolution through natural selection as:
a) A blasphemous idea, given that God has created us in His own image and if we really come from monkeys then how come there are still monkeys around? (2)
b) A process kick-started and overseen by God. (1)
c) An uncontested, fact-based scientific theory further reinforced by the discovery of DNA. (0)
11. You think that followers of other religions are:
a) Going straight to Hell. (2)
b) Misguided people. (1)
3) Evidence that what you believe is largely determined by where you were born. (0)
12. You’re walking down the street when you hear a voice in your head that tells you that it’s God and He wants you to buy an automatic weapon, go to a primary school and kill everyone there. What do you do?
a) You have no doubt it’s really God talking to you because you’re such a good Christian, so you blindly do whatever He says because who are we to question God’s will? (2)
b) You think that God seems a bit out of character so you wonder whether it was really God and not the Devil. (1)
c) You go to the hospital to book an MRI scan to see if you’ve got a brain tumour that makes you hear voices. (0)
Results:
Between 20 and 24 points:
You’re going straight to Heaven because you understood that following dogmas without questioning is the key to salvation and the Kingdom of Heaven, where you can worship God for all eternity. Lucky you.
Between 10 and 19 points:
You’re heading in the right direction, but you still think that living a moral life is enough to get you to Heaven. It’s not. The good news is that you can still save yourself if you pray more, go to church more and, most importantly, donate a lot more money to the church.
Between 0 and 9 points:
You’re going straight to Hell because you let the Devil plant the seed of doubt in your brain, a dangerous seed that produces the two most wicked of fruits, Reason and Logic, fruits that can only lead to Hell and eternal damnation. You’ve been warned.
